If you play in the NBA and are named Gary, then you got traded on Thursday before the deadline. The final three pillars of NBA Gary-dom all got dealt, making it the first time in league history that an entire name group all got dealt on the same day.
It kicked off with Gary Trent Jr. being traded from the Portland Trail Blazers to the Toronto Raptors in exchange for Norman Powell. This was the Gary in the coal mine, a Gary symbolizing things to come. A prelude to a bigger deal, one that would send shockwaves through the NBA’s Gary economy.
When Aaron Gordon was traded everyone focused on the Denver Nuggets getting a top player at the deadline. Nobody looked closely enough at the other moving pieces, which gave us a stunning Gary-for-Gary trade. Garry Harris moved to the Orlando Magic as part of the trade, while Gary Clark was sent to Denver. Seeing two Garys move in the same deal is a little heartbreaking. I can only hope they shares a phone call, a goodwill gesture, to tell each other about their new cities and how they are for Garys.
It’s been a rough 20 years for Garys around America. Once a plentiful species, time and attrition has led to Garys falling off the name cliff in the Unites States, according to the department of social security.
Once hopeful for a Spongebob bump, not even a square-panted cultural icon could prevent the slide of Garys. At this rate there will be no Garys left in the NBA by the year 2040. It’s a Gary extinction event, and seemingly there’s no answer for it.
This might seem trifling, but it is a problem. Garys are dying out at a rapid rate. We need Gary Trent Jr, Gary Clark, or Gary Harris to become NBA All-Stars, icons, people who inspire new generation of basketball-loving prospective parents to name their children ‘Gary’ to carry on the legacy.
I’m here for the Garys. They deserve all the love in the world. So if you’re sitting here saying “what’s the big deal?” please consider some of these iconic Garys as inspiration.
- Gary Payton: Unquestionably one of the greatest point guards in NBA history.
- Gary Oldman: Here’s a man who played Sirius Black, Winston Churchill, AND the bad guy with the running hair dye in The Fifth Element.
- Gary Sinese: The incomparable lieutenant Dan, and star of the criminally underrated CSI: NY.
- Gary Cooper: A legendary actor AND mentioned in the song “Puttin’ on the Ritz.”
- Gary Chalmers: Best known as “Superintendent Chalmers,” on The Simpsons, was once served fast food and passed off as “steamed hams,” a regional dish from Utica, NY.
So, as you can see there are many Garys who have made our lives richer, more complete, and now we are dealing with a Gary exodus. Remember the Garys. Save the Garys. Don’t just trade the Garys away.